When my life would get messy, (and it did – a lot), I used to run away from it or even worse, I would hide. I put on my game face and pretended that everything was just “fine.” Fine is a deadly trap, especially when if, like me, you believe you’re supposed to show up all perfect and in control of things.
Messy doesn’t fit into the equation.
But let’s face it…LIFE IS MESSY and no one gets out unscathed. I believe it’s the human condition and really, aren’t we all in this together?
In fact…don’t you think that on the inside we’re all really the same? Is there any one of us that escapes fear, shame, insecurity, vulnerability, sadness, and any other yucky emotion you can think of? To date…I’ve never met the person who is free of these feelings.
And yet…we’re all still hiders of the truth because deep down in the depths of our gut, we’re afraid to be seen. I discovered some time ago that the harder part of my life was to not be seen, because the masquerade of perfection and always having it together was downright exhausting.
But I was always Fine…
After a lifetime of hiding and feeling exhausted and basically spinning my wheels, I had to make a change to save my soul. I had survived being married to an alcoholic who was verbally abusive, but I was fine. I endured divorce and custody trials, but I was fine. I lost jobs because I wouldn’t leave my little girl and was practically penniless many times, but I was fine. I was a caregiver for my ex in-laws, but I was fine. I had huge debt, but I was fine. My business was non-existent, but I was fine…until finally my messy life screamed at me, “No…you’re not fine and stop pretending you are!”
It’s only when we’re brought to our knees that we finally wake up to the reality that we must do something differently or perish. My soul was perishing.
In those terrifying moments of realizing that everything I thought I knew was true had all been a lie…I looked up and I surrendered and let it all go.
But how to forgive myself? Could God actually forgive me for turning my back on all the messages that had been sent my way? Could I really and truly forgive and surrender and give up control and the burning need to be perfect?
I didn’t know, but I had try. One of the things about surrender is that you don’t just have to have faith, but you have to get out of your head and into your heart. You really have to trust that you’re going to be okay and that’s not easy when FEAR has you its grips, is it?
In fact, your instincts tell you to hold on tighter and keep the control..the control that you really don’t ever have.
That’s the irony…we really have very little control over how things are going to show up in our lives. We can only control how we show up. This was such a hard lesson for me to learn and honestly…one I still struggle with.
So maybe you’re wondering why I’m sharing this with you? I mean isn’t a coach supposed to have her stuff together? Isn’t she supposed to be able to keep her game face on no matter what? Most coaches might tell you YES, but I can’t do that anymore, and I can’t be that coach, let alone that person.
To go back to control and perfection and hiding from the messiness of life would be too damaging for my soul.
We really are all in this together. Surrendering are mess to something greater than ourselves, I believe, is where we’re meant to find our strength and comfort. I’m not proud of all the parts of my mess, but they’re mine and I own them and today, I’ve learned to forgive myself and move forward.
I want that for you too. How can I support you? What would make a difference for you? Will you share your thoughts below in the comments.
Let’s all be brave and shed our shiny perfect armor so we can show up with all our curves and raw edges and embrace who we really are.
Learning to embrace my messy life led me home again. How about you?