I have to tell you something, but before I do, I want you to know that I’m scared. I don’t always share when I’m scared or feeling insecure, but that my friend, is a bunch of crap. I’m scared and insecure a lot of the time and I’m also weary from trying to hide it.
I’ve been having a really hard time lately because my entire life has once again, dramatically changed, and I’ve not been handling it with the greatest of ease, grace or gratitude. In fact, grace has been pretty non-existent and I’ve been feeling rather sorry for myself. Let’s not even go to the gratitude place.
Last year at this time, my husband was pretty miserable. When men have a hard time with their chosen profession and aren’t feeling rewarded, they tend to begin falling down the rabbit hole – at least this is what happened to my husband. Things were NOT good in any area of his life and naturally that overflowed into our marriage. We were both on very shaky ground.
After a long conversation one evening, I boldly told him to quit his job! Long story short – he did and the whole NOW WHAT got very real even though I had told him that we’d be fine and something would show up. (This was me trying to not to be terrified while also trying to believe the words coming out of my mouth.)
Well…something did show up and in the form of a vintage flannel shirt company – Franklin Flannels we named it. Ever so slowly we started selling some of his very cool vintage shirts, but it certainly wasn’t enough to cover bills. I prayed for business – a lot more business and about three weeks ago the business that I prayed for, began showing up. Guess what? We weren’t ready! Once again I didn’t really believe that my prayers would amount to much.
So much business came in that I had to quit doing my blog and pull way back on my writing so that I could help him. How magnanimous of me, don’t you think?
Well…I’m embarrassed to admit it, but that’s what I thought. I also was feeling very, very sorry for myself because I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do, and I really believed that my sacrifices somehow qualified for Sainthood! Mother Teresa has nothing on me!
Here’s the something I have to tell you. I’ve been messing with God and apparently I’ve done a lot of that throughout my life, because I thought I knew better. I thought God was too busy for me. I thought I had to be in control of my life so I wouldn’t bother God. What a load of crap. (You should know that I love God and I love Jesus, but sometimes I swear and I don’t think I’m the only one who does this.)
When I pull away from God and His Plan for my life because I think I know better…I get very off track and literally lose my way. I show up angry, discontent and there is NO gratitude for any of the good that surrounds me every day. It’s embarrassing, really.
Today I woke up still intent on fighting for what I thought I should be doing and something happened as I was clamoring around the house feeling sorry for myself. Suddenly a calm came over me – a peacefulness really and the message was clear. “This is what you prayed for. This is what you wanted and this is what you’ve been working toward. This is what I gave you.”
I stopped in my tracks and sat down. I stopped long enough to take a breath and listen and in that moment, I got it.
God doesn’t necessarily give us what we think we want and surrendering to that TRUTH is where it all comes together.God's truth is almost always different from we think it's supposed to be. Click To Tweet
I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m not meant to know, but today I know this…I’m listening…and following…and trusting and believing that I am a child of God and He wants me to listen. He wants to have His hand in my life and after all these years of struggling to understand why certain things have happened, today…I surrendered – like really surrendered and there is a calm the likes of which I have never experienced before.
You might be wondering why I was scared to share this with you. It’s simple really. I was afraid to profess my faith and trust in God because not everyone likes or believes in God. And I thought that if I shared it – you might not like me. You might leave and not come back. So for all these years, I’ve been turning my back on God because you might not see things my way!
And you know what…it’s okay if you don’t believe. It’s okay if you need to leave, because I can longer be the girl who hides out and keeps my faith…my struggles and my journey to a richer more fulfilling life – quiet. It’s disingenuous and exhausting to keep hiding from God because He is all knowing and sees everything. So once again, I found my need to control everything and pretend as though I have a perfect life to be the very thing that brought me to my knees.
God has worked miracles so many times and instead of seeing the miracles for what they are…I chose to think I just got a lucky break. He’s been right there watching over every part of my life, but I didn’t get it. I just didn’t get it.
For me the truth is this: When we fight what is; when we think we know better; when we scream and yell and shake our fist at the world, He is always there patiently waiting for the right time to show us the way. He never gives up on us because His love is far greater than anything we can comprehend. What a blessing it is to know this and to finally accept the Truth.
Because of the way I have been all my life…I’m certain I will experience many more struggles and try to regain control. I’m not anywhere close to living in true peace…but thankfully, I’m on my way and I just wanted to share it with you.
If you’re still reading…thank you. Today was big for me.