A few years ago I couldn’t have written this headline because I didn’t believe there could be any freedom in letting go – especially if it meant letting go of control. By now you know my struggle with needing to be in control and how truly destructive that thinking was in my life.
Am I the only one who battles this? I don’t think so, but sometimes I wonder.
Since I packed up my life and moved 2,000 miles away from what used to be my forever home, I’ve been staring face-to-face with realities that have had their way with me, and have let me know in no uncertain terms that I’m not in control, and yet, I still kept trying.
You see, when you’re identity is wrapped up in having the world see you as this “totally together” woman, it’s hard to let your guard down.
I will admit that with every passing reminder of my not having control, I’ve improved, but still…I try…
This past weekend when I rushed my husband to the ER and he ended up in ICU for a couple of days. (He’s now home and okay.) I watched as his blood pressure dropped and the color drained from his face and about 10 ER nurses and doctors were doing everything they could to stabilize him.
I watched and could do nothing, and in that moment I finally GOT IT! I am not in control, nor did I want to be.
And suddenly in that horrific moment, when chaos was all around me, God stepped in and let me know that He had it…the doctors and nurses had it and it was okay if I didn’t.
And right then, in that moment, I found freedom in letting go.
I let go and let God and I let everyone else have the control. I didn’t need it anymore.
I gave myself permission to be concerned and to be an effective advocate, but also to take care of me. I let go so I could focus on what I could do.
I cancelled commitments. And you might be thinking, “Of course you would do that,” but in the past I would have tried to do everything; and I would have been burned out and exhausted and probably angry, but I would have control, right?
Not this time. This time I had done the work with my Values (remember those?) and that gave me a shortcut to clarity. This time I trusted God and even though I couldn’t see the outcome, I believed first.
This time, I let go and in so doing, I found my freedom.
It’s taken me a very long time to get this one and I’m sure I’ll trip and fall along the way, but I can’t even begin to describe how personal freedom really feels. I can’t tell you how good it felt to be held up by friends. I can’t tell you how amazing it was to not feel like I had to be the perfect wife, but to be me…real and raw and scared. And you know what else? When you find freedom – the personal, hard-to- find kind of freedom, you’re not afraid to speak your truth.
I will never know why in that moment of chaos I finally got it. All that matters is that I did and I have a feeling of peace in my heart that I’ve never known before and above all else, Gratitude and Freedom like I’ve never known.
I want to help you get to this place. I want you to know how it feels when everything shifts. How would you like to be supported in this? What would work for you? Will you leave comment below and let me know?