I don’t know why, but I have a feeling the question of “are you an over-giver” might ring true. Personal experience with this subject has shown that most of us women ARE over-givers and often to our own detriment.
Over-giving is a self-love issue. I’m the first to admit that I love saying yes to someone or causes. If someone asks me to do something, my auto response is to always say yes. Over the years, this response has gotten me into a lot of trouble, because I’ve often ended up with an over-crowded calendar filled with things to do for other people at my own expense.
What happens is that I ended up doing everything I said yes to, but I didn’t feel good about it. Can you relate to any of this?
Why did I do this for the better part of my life? Because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be liked if I said no. That’s it…the simple, honest truth.
This pattern of behavior is detrimental to your well being and it’s definitely not a good idea when it comes to giving and receiving value. When you’re tired of constantly saying yes to everyone else and seldom to yourself, the value you give isn’t really valuable.
Giving value and in turn receiving value, is a great deal about self-love.
If you are constantly saying yes when you really want to say no, there is zero value given.
It’s not a secret that most women put themselves last on the Totem Pole of Life – like at the very bottom of the totem pole is more like it. Lack of self-care is practically an epidemic and “being busy” is worn like a calling card. We walk around like exhausted zombies and wear our exhaustion like some sort of badge. There is no honor or envy in being exhausted, and yet, women who don’t put themselves at the top of their priority list are applauded by society for being so selfless, nurturing and giving while at the same time, are running on empty most of their lives.
It’s a double-edge sword because you get caught up in the accolades of “how giving and self less” you are, and yet, you crave some time to do nothing except take care of you. It’s disingenuous for sure. Notice the real meaning of SELF LESS.
In my opinion, most women could stand to be a little more selfish, but how do you justify this when selfish has such a negative connotation in our society? No one wants to be accused of being selfish.
So let’s flip the switch.
Caring for yourself and self love are actually the two least selfish things you can do and here’s why.
- You cannot give when you’re physically and emotionally depleted. You can’t fill a cup with an empty thermos. When the thermos is empty, you better find a stream. This is a very simple concept and yet…we women are somehow trying to squeeze every last drop from our already empty thermos. When you live like this, you leave yourself NOTHING! No wonder there are so many frustrated, unhappy people in the world. We leave ourselves nothing and wonder what’s wrong.
- Not caring for yourself puts you in a bad mood and why would you want to spend your time being in a bad mood?
- You are NOT a martyr. Please don’t tell me that you can’t take care of yourself because so many people are counting on you. This is not only selfish, but self-centered. If you think you’re irreplaceable, watch what happens if you make a decision to make some changes. I’m pretty sure we can all be replaced. I have never heard of a martyr whose life had an uplifting outcome.
- Suffering is not the only way to live a valuable life. Somehow we’ve gotten this ridiculous message that we are all put here to suffer and then when we die, we go to Heaven. We think that the more we sacrifice and struggle, the more valuable we’ll be. And with this thinking we overwork, over schedule, sleep less, stress our bodies to the max, challenge our immune systems, and run from place to place trying to get it all done…all because we think there’s some sort of prize at the end of all of it. There isn’t. The prize is that you end up burnt out and wondering, “what the hell happened?”
- Where is it written that you are meant to spend your life burned out, stressed and exhausted? Do you honestly believe this is honoring the blessing of your life? Really spend some time thinking about this question. Your life is a blessing and you are a miracle. We’ve talked about this. Isn’t it time you choose YOU?
If self care is still an option for you, then I’d like to know why? Why do you give more to everyone else than you do to yourself. (I’m not talking about your immediate family here. They need you, but they also need you at your best. Your children want a happy Mama!) Self care is also not about stressing yourself out by thinking you have to spend a lot of money. You can, but you sure don’t have to. Last time I checked it costs next to nothing to light a candle, put on some music and take a bath.
Self care is about getting very, very clear about who and what you value. We pay attention to what we value. We honor what we value.
So the real question is…Do you truly Value Yourself enough to engage in some Self Love?
Trust me…Self Love is NOT Selfish.
I challenge you to leave a comment and let me know where you land in the totem pole of your life.